Randi vs. Randi: A Love Story

I have done my fair share of screwing up in the last few years.

There were some epic battles:

Me vs. Myself

Me vs. Self-sabotage

Me vs. The Girl who couldn’t be alone for five minutes

Me vs. Grad School

Me vs. Braces

Me vs. Student Loans

Me vs. Money

Me vs. The Girl who ate too much

Me vs. The Girl who forgot to eat sometimes

Me vs. What people think of me

Me vs. What I think people think of me

Me vs. Self-Image

Me vs. Self-acceptance

Me vs. My history

I definitely did not win all of the battles, but I do feel that I have won the war.

Today has been a “Keep calm, and carry on” type of day. I woke up really stressed about money, or lack thereof, I should say. I talked to a couple of friends about what I should do, and then I decided to call on my friend Jacqui.

Here’s a little background on Jacqui. Jacqui was my boss at White Dog Hill for over four years. She’s British. She moved to the US about 12 years ago. She’s hilarious. She has bought me 486 handbags. She has held my hand and been there for me every single time I “quit” White Dog.  She has been there for me through many of the above-mentioned epic battles. She has nurtured me, and helped me grow up. She is like a mother to me.

I can’t begin to tell you how much Jacqui has influenced my life in the last four years. I have become an entirely new, healthier, calmer, more ambitious version of myself because of her. I love her so much. I have her to thank for so many things.

One of the most recent, and very important things that Jacqui has taught me is that freaking out and stressing will get me no where. If I “keep calm, and carry on,” as she says, then I will be much more likely to solve a problem.

This may seem like nothing to some of you. You may even be thinking, “uh duh, Randi, everyone knows that.”

But I didn’t know that, and my stress has been a huge problem for me in the past. It has also had a huge effect on all of my relationships, romantic and platonic.

I'm at a point in my life where I actually love myself. I love myself more than I ever have before. And I listen to myself. It is amazing. 

So today, I won’t stress. I’ll enjoy my life and tip my hat to the woman I have become. I will smile, and solve problems, and be happy. The healthier, smarter, more confident version of myself thanks all those people who helped me be the person that I am.

And especially Jacqui, for reminding me that life is precious, we should always care about other people, love and acceptance are virtues, bad things do happen sometimes, and that we should always follow our dreams if we can.

Strangely Familiar, Yet Nothing Alike

I see hundreds of new faces everyday, most of which I will never see again. And if I did see them again, I probably wouldn't recognize them.

Every face reminds me of another face in some way... Some look, or facial feature, or gesture made by a stranger...and instantly they remind me of someone else.

This has been a sad thing for me in the past, particularly in San Antonio, when I would long so desperately to see a familiar face.

When I meet new people, I am immediately drawn to those who remind me of close friends. Almost like a casting agent, I'll give them a "type." Oh you're the Rana type, or the Emily type, or the Chelsea type...not to say that those three ladies are even remotely replaceable... but if someone reminds me of any of them in some way then I'll immediately like them.

Sometimes I don't like people based on who they remind me of. Recently, a facial feature reminded me of a girl I didn't get along with in high school, and I thought, "yeah, I'm not gonna like her."

I was wrong about that.

I can be too quick to judge, too quick to put a label on someone or something, and just decide and compartmentalize an expected relationship with some person. I shouldn't do that.

Each individual human being is a separate entity. Everyone is unique. Everyone has lived his or her own life so far.

I had a phone interview the other day for a nanny gig and the woman asked me if I had a peer or mentor that is the "type of parent" I want to be. Well I have tons of friends who are exceptional parents, so I had to think about it a moment, but then finally answered, "Yes, of course, my little sister Stephanie!"

My Chiclet.

I'm not really sure why I started calling her Chiclet. I think it was because she was little, so tiny, and her hair was so white.

We are so much alike, but such different people. We look the same, we sound the same, we have the same beliefs (for the most part), we can both sing, we can both dance...she can paint, and I can act.

She single-handedly kept my family together when I had given up hope for any future.

Her nickname for a long time was "Step-on-me Wallace," but believe me, she is not to be stepped on. Well, not unless you want your neck (metaphorically) snapped. She's the strongest woman I've ever known. The most loving woman I have ever known. She's an amazing mother. And, unlike me, her patience and compassion withstand every obstacle she faces.

I met a girl the other day that reminded me of her. I immediately liked her. They're nothing alike, of course. I'm sure I won't be able to tell this girl everything about me, or call her every time some boy makes me cry...but her smile still makes me feel a little more at home.

Hot Child in the City

This will forever be remembered as the summer I sweat my ass off.

From the air going out at Matt's, to White Dog Hill, to Quartz Mountain, to Woody's air going out in his truck...to Chicago. 

It is so damn hot, all of the time. 

My apartment doesn't have central air, but luckily I brought a badass window unit with me from Oklahoma, so it stays pretty cool in my room. I'm not really looking forward to our electricity bill, but oh well. At least I have an icy oasis. 

I sweat buckets and buckets just walking down the street here, plus I get lost all the damn time, so I sweat even more. 

I promise I'm really not as pissy as I sound. I'm still happy! Just hot. 

So freaking hot. All the time.

My hair gets really wavy when I sweat. I've never noticed that before.

I had my interview today at the wine and cheese place. I have a "working interview" with them tomorrow from 1-4. They want to see how well I use a knife and how I work under pressure. I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but I'm pretty sure I've got this one in the bag. 

We'll see.

I was wanting to go do something random and Chicago-like this evening, but all of my regular "dates" and whatnots are busy and it's so damn hot outside...so I'm gonna drink a beer, eat a Toblerone, and find a tacky movie on Netflix.

Sorry for the random blog post. I promise to be more cohesive...when my life is more cohesive...which will probably never happen...so...

My Toblerone melted.

Summer of Sweat. 

The Tale of the Fail

Monday afternoon I was out handing my resume to anyone who looked even remotely like they were hiring, when it hit me! 

The sidewalk that is. 

Literally.

I tripped and fell in a crack in the sidewalk and scraped my knee and foot. 

Now don't go feeling sorry for me! This happens to me a lot. I have weak ankles, and sometimes I fall for no reason, so at least this time there was some crack to blame it on. (Haha blame it on the crack!) 

Anywho...I just started laughing hysterically out of embarrassment and this little blonde girl in heels comes running to me shouting, "OH MY GAWD I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!" and then this little Turkish dude helps me up and insists that I come inside his restaurant and clean up my leg. 

So I do. AND HE HIRES ME. Really. 

I started working for him yesterday! Waiting tables! I worked nearly 10 hours and didn't make hardly anything, so I doubt I will stay there, but hey! It's a job!  

I have an interview on Friday for a wine and cheese bar that I'm pretty excited about. Really hoping they hire me. Really, really hoping that I get hired to one of the theatre gigs I applied for....but at this point, I'll take what I can get. 

For now. 

Keep Calm, Carry On

Well, it's Monday afternoon and I don't have a job yet. I know that's laughable! I've only been here for 5 minutes!

It's a beautiful day in the city. I haven't seen much of it as I have been inside all day applying for jobs. I hate cover letters. I'm pretty good at writing cover letters, but I still hate them. I have written 36 million of them in the last few months. You'd think I'd be able to copy and paste a standard letter by now, but I tend to spend a lot of time tailoring to each venue and blah blah blah blah.....

Cover letters.

Assholes.

That being said, I had a great day yesterday, and fully intend to have a great day today! I'm going to drop my resume off at a few nearby restaurants here in about an hour. I'm going to my roommate's softball game at 5:30, and tonight I'm going to watch some fire dancing at the beach! Love this. I freaking love this. 


I've been meeting tons of new people! Last night I hung out with some badass ladies that I met through my friend Erin. We laughed so much. It's amazing how many people here are so much like me.

Also, I had sex with your mom.

A New Book

Well it's been an incredible year. A tough year, but an incredible year. I cried a lot, I laughed a lot, I made mistakes...and here I am! In Chicago! FINALLY! Right where I want to be!

A lot has happened in the last four days!

My Chicago life so far: I have eaten some amazing food, hoofed it all through my neighborhood, applied to jobs, had a few drinks, hung out with my friends, went to a badass tea shop and comic book store, bought a cheap bra, been yelled at by my crazy neighbor for putting my trash in the wrong dumpster, watched some people do some crazy trapeze acrobat shit at the park (and it was awesome), saw my first show at Steppenwolf,  gotten lost ohhhh about 453 times, AND had to convince a drunk girl that she didn't live in my apartment!

I am so happy! I am so excited!
I need to find a job.

I have applied to a couple of restaurants and nanny postings, but this job thing is kinda.... well....

I have worked for the Oklahoma Arts Institute at Quartz Mountain for 3 years. I LOVE that job. I love the environment, the creativity, the spirit, everything about that job.

Now I live in the 3rd largest city in the United States. I need to find a job I love. I came here to do theatre. That's why I'm here, that's what I've studied, that's my passion. I want to find a job in the theatre. I want a job that will pay my bills, feed me physically and creatively, and make me happy. I want to take dance classes and vocal lessons. I want to learn more about arts management. This is what I want, but I need a job now.  I've applied to some theaters, and there's one position I'm really excited about, (so excited that I have been working on my cover letter for about 2.5 hours and I just don't want to look at it anymore) but the application deadline is the 15th of July, and I absolutely have to be making money by then. I'm not too excited about trying to find a restaurant gig for a while, but that may be what I have to do. That's life! It's life no matter where you are, but at least I'm in a place that I love, and am able to pursue the things I am passionate about. This is amazing.

Someone pinch me.

Someone read my cover letter.